Happiness

Ah yes, the eternal question…do I deserve happiness?  The obvious answer is hell, yes!  But I have struggled with this question for years, at times questioning whether I even deserved to ask the question.  I have been through so much and yet not nearly as much as others.  How can I deserve happiness when others suffer so much?  Isn’t my suffering miniscule in the face of other suffering?  If someone else is suffering more than I am then I must be selfish and bad to want for my own happiness.  Furthermore, I am a good actor.  I appear capable, confident, and even happy.  I played this charade for most of my adult life while inside have felt as though the very fibers of my soul are being shredded into to an undefinable mess.  I have made decisions in my life based on what other people have perceived as the “right” choice.  I have felt like an elephant trying to squeeze into a fish tank.  I have been constantly uncomfortable and in pain.  As I have gotten older though, it seems I can no longer fake it.  The glass shatters.  I need to get out and be free.  I am two years away from 40.  I am determined to do whatever I have to do to be happy.